It's simply life.

Confessions

I’ve noticedthat when I’m feeling down, I give out hints. The only problem is… I don’t want other people to know I’m down. So one by one I’ve been identifying these hints and making them non-existent.

one hintwas when I was upset, I’d hide behind my hair. I used to have bangs that made it easy to hide behind. Friends started catching on that when I was upset, more hair was in my face than usual.

the realization and assassination: I then started to not hide behind my hair, I’d randomly wear my hair however it suited the outfit, and not my mood.

another hint was how I talked, I’d be quieter than usual, and talk with lots of thought and caution.

the assassination:I never really knew I did this until it was pointed out. So instead of talking quiet I’d make sure to maintain enthusiasm in my words, and try not to filter anything. Just act as normal as possible.

slightly newest of hints:I stop eating, sleeping, and being social. I don’t mean to stop eating or sleeping, but I can’t help it. I just lose appetite, and I simply just can’t force myself to sleep without medicated help.

assassination attempts:I’ve tried to “munch” when I’m around people. eat really small portions of things and go out to eat with people only to order a water and make up a bullshit excuse why I’m “just not feeling” that food. Then when I leave try not to throw it all back up. I try to slam energy drinks as fast and often as humanly possible to give me energy so I’m not looking as tired as usual. That way I don’t give off the hint that I haven’t slept in days. So I don’t avoid human interaction I try to be as social as possible, which means talking a lot about random things that even I don’t care about, and talking to LOTS of people. It probably gets on peoples nerves (because it annoys the shit out of me too) but I’d almost rather have them be annoyed that I talk to much than have to tell them why I’m upset and get the whole sob story or have to sit through some bullshit sympathy speech on how “things will get better” and “it’s okay, I know”. I haven’t fully stopped doing all of these things.. but I have tried to catch myself when I realize it’s happening again.

my mistake  I can’t fix and the confrontation of another person:my mistake when it comes to hiding things is that I may be able to hide things well, but I can’t lie about them. I hate lying, and when I lie it makes me feel worse about the situation. One person actually called me out on the fact that I can’t lie well. He told me I clench my jaw when I lie, and I actually look depressed or angry when I’m telling a lie.

the confrontation and surprise:with all of these changes I’ve made, I thought I was pretty good at not showing when I’m deeply upset about something. Until someone came up to me the other day. Looked me dead in the eyes and said (and I quote): “I’ve known you long enough to see all of your fronts. I’ve seen you try to fix them, and you’re pretty damn good at it. You’ve always wondered why I never buy it, and why some other people don’t buy it either. I can tell you wonder because you always look at me like I’m some kind of weird fucker when I text you from across the room to ask you what’s wrong.No, don’t interrupt me, let me finish. The reason why I don’t buy it is because I know you well enough to know everything about you. The biggest give away to me, and I’m assuming to other people, is your eyes. You give so much emotion through your eyes it’s not even normal. I can tell by just making eye contact what exactly you’re feeling and it’s creepy I know but you can tell everything about you from your eyes. Oh, and the first time I met you, I can tell you are a very strong person, with a lot of past, and a lot of scars. Just because of what I saw in your eyes. You can’t fool me. So stop trying.”

My response and action:”So” I said, “My eyes are the ones that’s been giving me away all these years…Thanks for letting me know, I’ll work on it.” He looked me up and down and said “Hah, Alyssa (yes he used my FULL name) you might as well not try. You’ll never get it to go away.. that’s apart of who you are. Deal with it.” So I tried to not look anyone in the eyes. That just gave me away worse than anything else. With that being said, I went back to making slight eye contact, and I’ve come to realize that unless you’re an observer like me, or actually KNOW me, you won’t know a damn thing about what I’m feeling or my reasonings behind what I do.

unfortunately: there’s no way to hide the emotion my eyes spill out. So if you want to know when I’m upset, look me in the eyes. I’m sure you’ll see right through the fronts, just like they do.